agar the terrible

L: Ugh. I just want Limewire back. Why is the government being so rude?!

L: Wait what? I don’t get it. It’s too early for subtle sarcasm.

Whenever scientists/people with PhD’s unveil the new thing they’ve found or invented, the first thing I think about is how it will could be singularly responsible for the destruction of mankind (I’m looking at you, RoboEarth).

Recently, an entomologist and his colleagues stumbled upon a particular type of fungus (four, actually), that’s capable of creating ‘zombie ants.’ It does this by infecting the ant with its spores, taking over its brain and subjecting it to complete mind control, then killing it once it moves to a prime spore-spreading location.

Sure, it only affects ants, but where there’s ants, there’s fire (that can’t be right) and like any person who’s watched a few zombie/apocalypse/contagious virus-themed films, I know that this is just the ominous, brain-munching start. 

1.] It usually starts with a news report or shot of an article clipping of a brand new discovery/invention of a mysterious substance/organism, one that’s self-replicating and/or has no known environmental opposition.

• The discovery is something scientists are extremely hopeful about, like something that will lead to the cure of a previously incurable disease.
• The substance/organism has a dangerous quality to it, but only in mass quantities, and right now the sample is too small to have any effect on humans (phew!) 
• There is absolutely nothing to worry about, and the sample is safely contained in a high-security facility.

2.] A lab experiment goes awry, and/or an incident occurs, causing the virus to escape and begin infecting everyone.

• While working late one night, an overzealous lab assistant does something stupid like contaminate the substance with another (which is why he’s still just a god damn lab assistant, by the way), and unknowingly mutates the original substance, making it dangerous to the human race — but no need to worry, it’s still safe inside its fragile, glass vial (foreshadow boxing, waBAM! “Fists of Fury” Sheen, 7:14)
• The assistant leaves to take a sandwich break (because incompetence sure makes a man hungry), and enter the bumbling janitor, music blasting from his headphones, who unwittingly knocks into whatever is holding the vial, and it breaks, which the janitor then proceeds to clean thinking it’s just another lab mess.
• (Although I would find it odd that in our ‘advanced’ society, where we have the capacity to create bulletproof materials and produce substances harder than diamond, we’d still be storing potentially harmful substances in glass vials.)
• After he leaves, the scientist returns to the lab only to realize that the vial is gone, no trace of where it could have gone — but too afraid to report to his superiors, he continues to look cause ‘it’s gotta be around here somewhere’

3.] Meanwhile, introduce the reluctant, asshole hero, because he’s going to save the day/world, but he’s not going to like it. And he’s not going to like you, kid.

• His name will be something like ‘Zach’ or ‘Adam’, but for some reason no ones called him that since…well, he doesn’t want to talk about it (something tragic that happened to his parents or little sister during his childhood, most likely), so he tells people to call him things like ‘Zero’ or ‘Renegade’
• He was just passing through town, taking a trip to get away from civilization, and his car breaks down by a diner. The homely, nosy waitress insists that ‘she aint gon help him’ until he tries the best omelette this side of Willowton or Hayfield (or whichever dinky, fictional mid-western town on the outskirts of Who Gives a Shit you wanna insert)
• Realizing the wench won’t take no for an answer, he sits down real reluctant-like, and his disgust for the people around him is apparent via his cold, vacant stares.
• The hero receives his food, but he’s uninterested. His attention is caught, however, when a strange looking man enters.

4.] The first zombie is encountered, and the hero saves the diner patrons, which will probably include an annoying little boy.

• But this isn’t any old customer, it’s an infected customer! Everyone knows him as Bert, the eccentric guy up the road who collects scrap metals or potatoes that look like historical figures. But we know him as the janitor (!dramatic reverb!) and he’s just finished his graveyard shift at the lab.
• The news plays in the background, a report about the emergency shutdown of a lab due to an accident, etc., and to be wary of people who may have been infected. Meanwhile, the oblivious waitress continues to try and chat with Bert, and says things like, “gee you ain’t lookin too good,” and “Bert, you feelin’ all right?” — which, considering his skin is rotting and practically falling off his face, I’d say no, he’s probably feeling the opposite of all right — and our hero starts to put it together (cue Zelda item-find sound)
• But for some reason, nobody’s really fucking paying attention because these people are from the midwest and all they do is talk about waffles and pie specials and whose nephew got a job downtown in the big ol’ city (no?) 
• As the hero pokes his omelette, the nosy waitress bombards zombie Bert with questions. After a third try of “you sure you don’t want some coffee or somethin’?” he lunges for her neck and throws her across the room, causing all the customers eating inside to panic. As zombie Bert wreaks havoc, all the patrons scramble for the door, except our brave, now less-reluctant hero.
• Zombie Bert makes his way over to a little boy, and our hero will channel David Caruso a la CSI and say something like, “Looks like your orders up” or “Sorry pal, but we already stopped serving breakfast, and you just ruined mine” and although the zombie possesses no other cognitive abilities, he somehow understands this and makes a beeline for our hero, who will then shoot poor Bert in the brain, and then probably say something like, “check, please” and wipe the spattered blood from his face (you’ll find out why this was important to emphasize real soon!)

5.] Time for the reluctant hero to reluctantly start caring about someone(s) other than himself (even though he swore he never would again!)

• Our hero not only pays his bill, but leaves a tip (so cool of him), and he makes his way to his car, only to find that the little boy he saved inside is now outside running after him, praising his coolness and claiming how he wants to be ‘just like him’ — to which our hero responds with, “trust me, you don’t” or “yeah, whatever kid.”
• The boy’s young, attractive and for whatever (sad) reason single mother then makes her appearance, coming face to face with the mysterious diner man.
• She thanks him for saving her boy, and invites him to her place for a shower and a warm place to stay for the night (or some other lame unrealistic thing movies always have people offering strangers) and the hero denies the offer, saying he’s got somewhere to be. The mother says something empathizing with the hero’s loneliness like, “Sure, traveling around, just you and the road, no wonder you don’t need nobody else,” then urges her son to follow her back inside.
• The hero calls after her and says he will in fact, take her offer, but ONLY cause he wants to protect the townsfolk in case something like this happens again, not cause he cares about her or somethin. And then he tells the kid like, “just don’t get in my way”
• On the way home, the town seems sort of desolate, and the trio knows that shits bout to go down.
• Also, the hero and single mother can’t stand each other anymore but need one another to survive the brain slurping zombies, and sexual tension develops (I know, that always puts me in the mood too)

6.] The hero saves the day again.  Woopdeedoodledoo

• Back at the woman’s house, the hero turns on the news where more details about the virus are revealed, mainly that those who come into contact with the infected’s blood have one hour before they too become infected, blah yadda blah
• The hero decides he should probably do something about it, and the little boy insists that he join him, but the hero says something like “you’ll just be in my way, kid”
• Although the news and all emergency personnel strongly advise everyone to stay inside, (because apparently zombies don’t know how to break into a fucking house — have you not seen the Thriller video?) a noise provokes our hero to ‘check it out’ cause hey, he doesn’t play by the rules. That’s why they call him Renegade (see how nicely that all came together?)
• He takes a flashlight and his gun (duh) and walks the perimeter of the house. The source of the noise - some type of varmint - scurries out of the garbage, and he breathes a sigh of relief — until he hears a scream — and it’s coming from inside the house!
• Inside, two zombies have cornered the mother and her boy, and a fight ensues, where the hero kills both zombies, but not before he is bitten by one.
• The mother insists that he be taken to the hospital, but the hero refuses because as it turns out, he’s immune to the virus. (which he knows since he got splattered by the blood of one before and nothing happened — told you it’d be important!)

7.] The zombie-blasting montage, the moment we’ve all been waiting for!

• Unable to stay in the house any longer, our hero has now begun the crusade against the infected, and boy are we thrilled, cause at some point along the way, the overbearing mother turned into a scantily clad, zombie-stomping warrior (where does she keep all those guns?)
• There’s a lot of “behind you!” “over here!” “run!” and “look out!” being said, and at one point, one of them will be confronted by someone they used to love/know who is now infected, and must be killed. It’ll be an emotional time, but the hero will insist that they keep moving!

8.] Hero & co. will get stranded at the top of a building with limited ammo supply, probably the lab it all started from for some dramatic irony.

• I mean, that’s sort of a given
• The irresponsible lab assistant will probably be up there too, already half insane and muttering weird things to himself, and the hero will constantly yell at him “Dammit, just figure out how to stop this!” because clearly, the lab guy’s been lallygagging around just enjoying this whole experience 
• As the ammunition dwindles, the zombies will find a way to the roof somehow and start breaking the door down
• A zombie will somehow get hold of a gun and fire it at our hero, which the little boy jumps in front of. The hero blows the zombies head away, then collects the boy in his arms, crying for the first time in years! But wait — the boy isnt dead! He was shot in the shoulder, but he’ll be all right. The hero quickly bandages the boy’s wound and says something like, “hey, thanks for gettin in my way, kid.” and scruffle his hair a bit.
• The battle rages on, and the hero and single mother have an awkward moment in the midst of the chaos, and the hero will say things like “I don’t got time for romance, I have an earth to save” and the single mother will say things like “After my husband died (oh that’s why) I swore I’d never love again,” but at some point they’ll tie in a metaphor about how living without love makes them no better than the zombies they’re fighting. 

9.] Sacrifice! Oh sweet, tragic, boner-killing sacrifice. (which word does not belong in this sentence?)

• Yep. At some point, someone’s gonna have to sacrifice him/herself to clear a path back inside the lab so they can figure out how to fix all this shit (homemade bomb, set self on fire and hurl at enemies — zombies are surprisingly flammable.) 
• When they finally make it back to where it all began, the collaborative efforts of the gang somehow figure out an antidote, or a way to wipe all the zombies out in one shot, but it’ll probably end up costing the lab assistant his life, somehow (but who cares, really, cause he kind of deserves it)
• The hero and single mother have also made out a few times already, and the son can’t wait to have the coolest new dad ever.

10.] Finally, everything is (seemingly) back to normal!

• The sun rises, shining light on everything that was destroyed, and the survivors view the destruction / mess of corpses.
• As they exit through what used to be their hometown (now the hero’s new hometown he must rebuild) the annoying little boy will scurry alongside the hero and his mother, yapping his face off about how cool it was that he was fighting zombies, and all the shit he wants to do now that they’re gone
• And deep in the corner of the lab, a tiny speck of fungi residue oozes down the side of the mop bucket, landing on a rat that was moseying on by (gotta leave room for a sequel!)

And thus concludes how a simple little discovery deep in the Brazilian rain forest will eventually lead to my (rather cinematic) version of the Zombie Apocalypse. 

Goodnight everybody!

L: I cant believe he accepted my friend request. He should be more careful.

L: I’m in a pickle right now. Which sounds delicious, but actually, it’s a bad thing.

L: You like candy that tastes like medicine? That’s gross. I hate stuff that tastes purple.